“Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.” – Psalm 42:7-8
The last time I stood at this point I was with my dad. He was amazed at the power and beauty of nature. Our little hike is one of the fondest memories I have with Dad. We talked about so much that day- life, death, memories of past joys and challenges, hopes, and plans for the future. How quickly all those hopes and plans were dashed – washed away as violently as the river roars. I have a much greater appreciation of the evanescence of life and the beauty and brevity of every moment.
I look back at this moment today as I begin this week with much apprehension. My body is going to be tested but so is my will and my faith. I am told this will be a piece of cake – that I will be just fine. I have faced far grimmer circumstances and survived but those were not by choice. This one is on me. The future I envision for myself is totally dependent on my meeting this challenge head on. A fellow “hippie” shared these words of wisdom with me last night as my mind messed with me: “Right now, your pain has no purpose and will only get worse. After surgery, your pain will have purpose and you’ll only get better.” So yes, there will be pain. There will be despair. There will be moments when I will wonder why I made this decision. But I didn’t make this decision alone and I won’t face this leg of my journey alone. I know God still has plans for me – just like he did in the ICU years ago, and the night I stood alone in the field willing the ground to swallow me up. It didn’t. God is not done. I am still here.
By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.