I used to crave it. I could walk for hours enrapt in its immensity; comforted by its softness as the chaos of the world left me. Sometimes my thoughts would speak to me and sometimes I thought of nothing. It was my wonderful escape – until Mom and Dad died.
Since then, silence has been unbearable for me. It reflected far to intensely, the emptiness that welled in my heart. And so I did everything I could to avoid it – on my walks I became the annoying little sister calling her brother every night – when I realized that wasn’t going to do much for our relationship, I searched, sometimes in vain, for anyone to talk to – to keep the silence at bay. Then I turned to newscasts and podcasts – anything that would make me feel like someone was talking to me – because I couldn’t bear the depths my own thoughts and words would drive me to.
I started to notice how anxious and irritable I was becoming. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t find words anymore. Frightening worries started to come to mind – what was wrong with me? I had become too connected – to everything but me.
Tonight, I felt brave enough to seek silence again. I listened to the rain fall on the leaves and the wind rush through the trees. I let my thoughts go where they would – I got lost – I cried- I breathed – I began to make peace with the emptiness inside me.
Hello Silence, my old friend.